Developments

The company I used to work for has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. This means that I get a lot of notices in the mail these days (I’m considered a “creditor,” since they didn’t pay me the last two months I worked there). I also got a FedEx package the other day with about five pounds of legal documents. I feel bad for my former boss and the other founders, but would rather just be rid of the whole ugly mess. The daily collection calls (since my name was on the company bank account) are pretty awesome too.

Another disappointment: summer registration for library school. Due to funding cuts (it’s a state school, I should’ve seen this coming) there were a ridiculously small amount of classes offered this summer, and I was only able to register for one. I’ve been pretty balls-to-the-wall with graduate school so far, and I had planned to take three classes this summer. Instead, I’ll be paying eight hundred or so odd dollars* for three credits, and it means that there’s no way I’ll graduate by August 2010, unless I take on a ridiculous course load for the next three semesters.

To sum up: I don’t have a job, and the thing I’m doing *instead* of working (i.e. SCHOOL) is kind of falling through this summer as well. If I wasn’t committed to going to Montana this summer for at least three weeks, I’d consider braving the job market, but there’s probably nothing available anyway. I guess it’s time for some ’self-directed’ activities and education this summer – i.e. reading blogs, hanging around the house feeling poor, and making occasional bank-breaking trips to Target.

*Um, make that $1370 for one class. I forgot about all the bullshit fees like childcare and transportation and other things I will never benefit from. You can take up to six credits (i.e. two classes) for $1370, whereas more than six credits will cost you around $2500. Ugh, money.

Life Update

Since returning from my month away, I’ve started work again (half time, as has been mandated since October), and begun grad school in Library & Information Science. Work is nearly non-existent. We haven’t been paid the last two pay periods, and will probably miss a third. I’m also waiting on a $300 expense check for stuff I bought for the company ages ago.

Many of my friends at the company have left to pursue better opportunities. I’m hanging on because we can scrape by on my husband’s salary for now, and most of the jobs out there that I could possibly be hired for require more hours for much less pay. It’s a bit depressing, but my current job offers me enough benefits, like health insurance and a computer (if not a paycheck), that I probably won’t walk away until I’m laid off. Which should be any day now

On a brighter note, I love being in school. I’d originally registered for three classes ― two core classes and a one-credit, four-week class. Now that I’ve finished the one-credit class, I decided to add another full class, bringing my load up to nine credits. I figure as long as I’m paying for full-time status (which is a bargain at about $1,200/semester. How much does a semester of private college cost? Four times that?) I might as well be taking a full load of classes.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been working the past four years, but being a student is something that excites and energizes me. I’m looking forward to building a database with a group of students for my Info Retrieval class (which, incidentally, a student who’s taken the class warned me would be dreadfully boring). I’m already brainstorming topics for my research paper for Information & Society, and I can’t wait for my first web conference lecture/discussion tonight. Here’s how cool I look when I use the web conferencing software and headset:

That's me at 7am, pre-shower and pre-makeup, modeling my headset-with-mic. Taken with my camera phone. Rrrrrroowwr.

Jealous?

 

I’ll continue to go in to work a few days a week, but for now, I’m putting my energy into doing well in this program. It’s exciting to be entering a field that is changing so much. In the next two years, as I work toward graduation, the field of libraries and info science may look completely different than it does now. I think this is a good thing. Speaking of changes, I hope that by the time I graduate this crazy economic time will have come to an end, and actual jobs will be available. Yes, that would be nice.

Rambling and Sleep-Deprived

I don’t know if it’s the weather, the current economic state, or just me, but there seem to be a number of things that are dragging me down lately.  Namely:

• My job is slow slow slow.  And I can’t help but feel that it’s a sinking ship.
• I have a lot of free time during the week now thanks to half-time employment, which is great in some senses, but sometimes I get stuck in a rut of, “none of my friends have this time off, and I can’t spend any money anyway.”  I’m trying to remedy this by a) taking dance classes, b) running and c) walking the mile and half to the library on Thursdays and picking up new books and DVDs with which to amuse myself.
• Being married is not easy (nor is being in any committed relationship, come to think of it).  There are some issues that need working on that I have been avoiding out of laziness.

But a few things are buoying me up too.  Let’s focus on those:

• I registered for classes for my grad program, and realized the whole thing only costs about $12,000.  I mean, that’s no small chunk of change by any means, but I feel like it’s a steal compared to what some of my friends are paying for grad school, and won’t leave me with a crippling amount of debt.
• I watched an introductory slideshow for the grad program where the associate director warned incoming students that we should enjoy the next few months of freedom, for we are about to become “frenzied individuals.”  :) Hopefully I’ll be more busy than frenzied, because for me, busy = happy.
• Thanksgiving is going to be a gigantic hootenany which will include my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, my aunt, uncle and their three young kids, various friends of my mom, and my friend who recently moved to the Bay Area.
• My husband and I might photograph another wedding early next year.  I had a blast at the one we did this summer and cannot wait for this one.
• The canceling of our belated honeymoon to South Africa (which we would’ve left for TODAY) not only means we’ll be with my family for Thanksgiving (see above) but that we get to plan a different adventure some time in the future. I’m thinking… Ireland?  Vietnam?  Mexico?  

One Decision Made

I did it!  I actually completed an application for graduate school.  Now I can (almost) join the ranks of my friends, ALL of whom seem to be back in school at this point studying law, education, English, psychology, business, nursing… the list goes on.  As a matter of fact, I can only think of one close friend who is not currently in school.  When I told her my plans, she was happy for me but immediately said she was jealous. HA!  I certainly know how that works.  I’ve spent the last two years wondering how my friends ever decided on anything, and wishing I had their focus and resolve.  I’ve taken a class in interior design, and started applications for grad programs in English, urban planning, and education, and never finished them.  I’ve had sudden revelations and then dismissed them because of detracting information.

If all goes well, I’ll be taking between one and three classes this spring, depending on my employment status.  You see, I work at a startup, and that’s a dicey place to be in a time like this.  But now if I get laid off (and I hope I don’t, because it’s a great company with awesome people and I wish it HUGE success) I will have an alternate plan.  I can try to find a part-time job and take classes full-time.  I can get on my husband’s health insurance plan (one of the first tangible assets of being married!) and we can borrow a bit from ourselves to invest in my education.

Waawooweeewooo!!!! I haven’t felt this good about my career situation in a long, long time.  I’m fully accepting the possibilty that I’ll take a few classes and decide it isn’t for me.  Even so, each experience takes me closer to the final goal (or the next goal, I should say).  It’s like dating – the more you do it, the more you know what you want

Personality Typing

Not sure who that ISFJ is in the bottom left.

The Jungian Myers-Briggs personality test is given a lot of credence by career professionals.  The coach I’m seeing asked me to take it.  Like a lot of people, I’ve had different results over the years.  When I was just out of college, I scored as an INFP, or ‘The Idealist.’  How fitting — the cruel realities of the world hadn’t hit me yet.  This type is actually similar to Barack Obama’s, which is ENFP, or ‘The Inspirer’.  When I took the test last year I was an ISTJ, or ‘The Duty Fulfiller.’  I took it a few different times here in the last few days, and scored ISFJ, i.e. ‘The Nurturer’ each time.  I took it once here and once here and both times was an ISTJ (it seems I’m on the border between Thinking and Feeling — it’s almost poetic).

It’s interesting to see how my personality has changed from a type that is known for shunning facts and analysis to one that shuns theory and fancy.  This depresses me a little bit.  Has the working world hardened me?  Yes, it’s true, I like organization and value predictability and routine.  I like to see the fruits of my labor.  I find it much easier to grasp details than the big picture.  Perhaps I’ve even become more conventional, as most ISFJ’s and ISTJ’s are.

Is this why I’m considering library science as opposed to a master’s degree in English?  I really like the idea of a job with concrete responsibilities — not broad, unclear objectives.  As much as I love reading fiction and engaging with subtext in literature and in life, I suppose I’ve become a lot more of a literal person. Facts impress me more than emotions.  Perhaps this is why, for instance, I can’t really get on the Obama-train (i.e. the enthusiasm that has swept the nation) although I *do* like him and will most definitely vote for him.

What do you think about personality tests: are they a source of penetrating insight, or a bunch of narcissistic hooey?

Sexy Librarian Jokes Aside

I’m thinking of applying to a master’s program in library science. Here are some pros:

• Seems to fit my personality traits and skills (I like organization, books, technology, and helping people)
• The program is online and is not cripplingly expensive (four digits a year, not five).  Also, I have like $4,700 from my AmeriCorps VISTA Ed award waiting to be spent
• There seems to be a wealth of interesting and different library jobs out there – private, non-profit, government, academic, etc.
• If you get into administration/management you can apparently make very good money
• Entry level jobs earn respectable money (i.e. about as much as I make now)
• The program doesn’t require GRE scores or letters of recommendation – (I can’t express in words how awesome this is)
• I could dress like this:

Hot

Here are some cons:

• Librarianism (librarianship?) is not a hugely fast-growing field.  All of those baby boomer librarians may decide to hang on to their jobs given the current economic state.
• An online course means A LOT MORE time at my computer – e.g. communicating with professors, students, etc. online.  AND the program apparently uses Second Life as some kind of means of program-wide social networking, which freaks me out.
• I’m really not sure how I would support myself working only part time or not at all.   I rarely feel like I have enough money while working full time.  Rent and food and gas are so damned expensive –  I have a hard time picturing how all of this would work.
• I had a stoner housemate in college who ended up getting a master’s in library science.  She once let her brother sleep in my bed while I was out of town

Right now I’m thinking I need to grab on to this spark of *wanting* to do something.  I’ve had these sparks before, but I’ve always let them die out.  Perhaps the best thing to do (considering the EPIC FAIL that is the economy right now) is to apply for the Spring semester, register for two classes, and keep working full time. I think I can do it.  We’ll see.

Apparently, I’m a Control Freak

I met this week with the career coach I alluded to earlier. I had put this off for a lot of reasons, the most obvious being the cost (which is a pretty average hourly rate for any one-on-one consultation with a professional, but to me that’s $ that could be spent on groceries, rent, or the occasional night out).

I liked him and I think it went well. One of the things we did was establish a list of my values through a series of what-if questions meant to reveal the things I hold dear. He went through his notes last night and sent me a list. Here are some highlights:

• Learning
• Teaching
• Balance
• Creative control
• Beauty
• Art
• Mastery
• Culture
• Travel/adventure/exploring

The value of ‘control’ kept coming up over and over. My favorite job ever was teaching in a summer program for middle schoolers, where I was able to design my own humanities curriculum and teach it without close supervision. I also organized a circus arts program in the afternoons and directed a performance for families and fellow students each of the three summers I worked there.

There is something wonderful about having creative license and oversight in your job, and I realize not all teachers are allowed this. However, even running one’s own classroom is a certain type of freedom that is rare in the corporate world. I’ve noticed at my job that the less responsibility I’m given, the less sure I feel of myself. The more responsibility I have (as long as it’s not right up against the watchful eye of a boss) the more confident I feel.

As I think about what career(s) I want to pursue in the long term, running my own show (whether that’s being a teacher, librarian, researcher, business owner, etc.) is important to me.  As scary as it may be, I want to make my own decisions and suffer the consequences.  Granted, I want to do this in a relatively secure job environment, if possible.  I guess you could say that I want to take risks but have them turn out well .

How did you get into your current career?  Does your career embody your values?  Do you have any advice for me?

Failing at Life? Have a Baby.

A friend called last night – one whom I’d met in a study abroad program in Ghana, and with whom I’d later traveled through Northern Asia. She told me she had just become an RN and was starting a new year of school in order to become a nurse practitioner. She related how in the two days between when she sat for the grueling nursing licensure exam and when she found out the results, she felt a strong and sudden urge to “just have a baby.” She was convinced she wouldn’t pass, and sensing an impending life obstacle, she earnestly felt for a few days that the best remedy for being stalled in her career would be to start a family.

In my family, there is next to zero pressure to have kids, for now at least. I’m the younger sibling by five years, and my parents were surprised when I became engaged as soon as I did (after only three and-a-half years of dating!) I know a lot of newlyweds get the baby question immediately after getting married, but no one has really mentioned it to me, except for my boss, who jokingly advised me to ‘wait a long time to have kids’ (he would know – he has three).

Babies sure are cute and I think I want one or more someday, but until that day comes (when I’m 30? 32?) I will fiercely guard my freedom, my self-centeredness and my nights of unbroken sleep. Neither my husband nor I have jobs that could support a family on a single income. The way things are right now, both of us definitely need to work to keep up with our rent and pay off loans. It is nearly inconceivable to think of a third (very demanding) mouth to feed.

Yet as I face a time of personal disillusionment with the work world and indecisiveness about whether to go to school, stay at my job, or pursue another field, having a baby now versus later almost seems to make sense. Especially when a friend in my book club has the most adorable six-month-old son ever, and as I read about amazing mothers such as these, who make motherhood look both heroic and like a completely worthy cause to which to devote one’s life. As odd as it may seem, I sometimes long to go back to the days where women were “just” supposed to run the house and raise kids, while men brought home the paycheck. I realize that motherhood is in many ways a bigger job than simply clocking 40 hours per week in an office, but sometimes it just seems so much more natural than trying to shoehorn myself into career paths that don’t seem to fit me.

Some friends of my husband’s recently had a baby. Their timing had something to do with the fact that the mother wasn’t having luck finding work in the tight job market where they had just moved. Of course, she’s in her early thirties so there was less of a luxurious timeframe within which to work. I would consider doing the same, except for the above-stated financial and selfish concerns, and also because I know I need to make better sense of this career dilemma and figuring out my place in the world before I decide to bring another being into it.

I was telling an acquaintance at a party about my listlessness when it comes to thinking about the future. “Well, you could always have a baby,” she replied cheerfully. It’s true, I could. I’m married now and am certainly no longer ‘too young’ to start popping them out. However I don’t want to have a child just because it’s something to do. I want to really, *really* want one. I just hope that my desire, my financial situation and my biology can conspire to make it all possible within the next nine or so years. If there was just some way to speed up this whole mid-twenties self-discovery process, I’d be all set.