Photo from here.
It’s been a little over two months since our wedding, and I’m just starting to see the light again. I’ve been living in the land of wedding obsession for over a year now, and I’m happy to report that I’m no longer having anxiety dreams about our wedding day. You see, the emotions about planning this once-in-a-lifetime event didn’t leave me immediately after we tied the knot. I was still having classic pre-event dreams – the wedding didn’t happen; it did but I don’t remember it; the location/guests/groom were wrong – up until a few weeks ago. I don’t know what it is about wedding anxiety, but it really seeps deep into your bones.
Which is not to say that I didn’t have an absolutely fantastic wedding weekend. Indeed, I made a point of enjoying myself and resolved not to worry about any last minute details once guests started to arrive. My brother’s girlfriend, an event planner, generously agreed to be our ‘day of’ coordinator, which is to say she made sure shit happened so I didn’t have to. I wasn’t sweating it at all the entire weekend: I stayed up laughing and drinking champagne with my college girlfriends the night before, had a relaxed breakfast with friends the morning of, and felt calm and present most of the day. I was able to take it all in – both the emotions I was feeling toward my new husband, as well as all the love from family and friends which was being showered on me.
I’ve heard it jokingly referred to as Post Wedding Traumatic Syndrome – and while I don’t mean to compare planning a wedding to an ACTUAL traumatic event, I feel like there are some eerie parallels. Case-in-point: two nights after the wedding, while taking a mini-honeymoon with another couple (friends in town from England for the wedding) to Sonoma County, I proceeded to drink far too much champagne (leftover from the wedding, of course) and get more trashed than I’d ever been in my life. Trashed to the point where I was rude to my husband and said a bunch of things of which I had NO recollection the next morning. This is highly unusual behavior for me, and while there is nothing that really excuses being a drunken ass, I feel inclined to draw a connection between the stress of putting on an event for 120 people and my subconscious desire to cut loose shortly thereafter (and act assish).
Thankfully the wedding has loosened its grip on me, to the point where I don’t even really care about ordering prints of the photos we got the week after the wedding. It seems far away now, which is weird considering how long I looked forward to it. Of course, the mind being what it is, I’ve focused in on a different source of anxiety which was placed on the back burner during wedding planning: the WTF-am-I-doing-with-my-life-particularly-career-wise question. I’ve got a happy relationship, a great place to live, dogs that make me smile… now if I can just figure out that whole livelihood part…